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Bronson F’n Arroyo

by on August 14, 2013

There’s a lot of affronts to Cubs fans that we have to put up with for far too long. Not all of them have to do with the St. Louis Cardinals, shockingly. I think most of my childhood was spent watching Howard Johnson come up with some double in the 7th to give the Mets the lead. Lenny Dykstra seemed to kick our skulls in for two different teams who shared the same division as the Cubs, if you can remember when the Phils and Mets were actual division rivals.

As time moved on, did the Cubs ever get Derek Bell out other than May 6th, 1998? They couldn’t hit Wade Miller, I know that. Nourichika Aoki hits like .400 against the Cubs, I’m sure he sucks against everyone else. Wandy Rodriguez….I can’t even get over it. And then he changed his name to Francisco Liriano, and the Cubs haven’t gotten past second on him all year.

But nothing is more horrifying than watching the Cubs flail and puke against Bronson Arroyo.

Bronson Fucking Arroyo.

I don’t know how someone named after Charles Bronson constantly has that look on his face where you’re pretty sure he’s laughing at his own farts. For eight years, against four different managers, four different Cubs-eras, I’ve watched the Northside Nine whiff, biff, and simply shit themselves against whatever whiffle ball Arroyo is able to barf up toward the plate.

I’m sure there are other fanbases that get just as angry about watching their team Larry, Curly, and Moe their way to another pathetic output against this goofus. He’s on his fifth season in the NL of a sub-4.00 ERA, which is really good for a pitcher that hasn’t really ever been above a #4 starter. He has a lower career ERA against the Giants, but the Giants have always had a pop-gun offense even when they were winning.

It’s just watching those pitches float up there. His curveball doesn’t break so much as loop. He drops down to throw a slider that sweeps more than it breaks. His fastball couldn’t break wind. It’s knuckleball antics without the knuckle ball.

While he gets credit for pitching backwards, at some point you’d figure someone would figure out he just throws hanging breaking pitch after hanging breaking pitch and if you’d just stop trying to hit it to dock with a space station maybe you could make better contact. Arroyo’s pitches come with their own Benny Hill music. And all with that dumbass grin on his face and that fucking hair.

This isn’t Greg Maddux at the end of his career nibbling at the corners and changing speeds with a narrow margin of error. This is Eddie Harris putting snot on the ball — I’m sure Arroyo is immensely entertained by his own snot too. But Arroyo isn’t 108 years old like Harris was in Major League. And it’s the same bullshit.

Eight years. Eight years of shutouts at the hands of the guy who looked like he wouldn’t leave his dorm at Sarah Lawrence or something. The kind of asshole always playing his acoustic guitar in the stairwell. How much more do we have to watch this? I don’t think I can take another one. But I know I will. Arroyo will pitch until he’s 67. And his two wins per year will come against the Cubs.

I’m not sure I even want a World Series any more. I think I want just one game where the Cubs torch this giblet for 8 runs in three innings more. Maybe that’s a step on the way, when we’ll know the Cubs have arrived.

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